Humor Drop September 7th, 1998

Introduction

Hi All;

I hope everyone had a great Labor Day weekend. I had a nice lazy one. I tried to clean the apartment on Friday and Saturday with limited success (LOL at least I cleaned the kitchen and finished the laundry). I laid around my parents' place on Sunday reading and watching "The Planet of the Apes" marathon on AMC. Monday was spent playing with my nephew Alex and relaxing in the pool and reading. Yep, a nice lazy weekend.

This Thursday is my first cooking class with the Bon Vivant Cooking School. We'll see just how much I know and how well I do.

Oh, for the Babylon 5 fans, remember that the air times change this week. Check out: Lurker's Guide Episode List or TNT's official Episode Calendar

Things of the Week:

Quote/phrase of the week:

"Why?"

-- Alex is in the "why" mode now. LOL, I don't know how many times I heard this today.

Word of the Week:

from AWAD -- 9/1/98

vinculum (VING-kyuh-lum) noun

  1. Mathematics. A bar drawn over two or more algebraic terms to indicate that they are to be treated as a single term.
  2. Anatomy. A ligament that limits the movement of an organ or a part.
  3. A bond or tie.

[Latin, bond, tie, from vincire, to tie.]

"It excels in setting equations. Fraction bars, underscores, baseline rules and vinculum rules will automatically adjust either with the addition or subtraction of characters."

ProType Math 9.0, SoftBase, 19 Dec 1994.

Web Site of the Week:

(Thanks Sam, great URL)

Dynamic HTML Guru

Books of the Week:

"Henry David Thoreau : A Week on the Concord and Merrimack Rivers | Walden; Or, Life in the Woods | The Maine Woods | Cape Cod" by Henry David Thoreau http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0940450275/qid=905232289/sr=1-26/002- 7612470-1506039

Movie of the Week:

"The Planet of the Apes"

I never realized that Rod Sterling was one of the script writers for this movie. I like this movie. How can you not when it has such great quotes like:

"Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!"

and

"It's a mad house! A mad house!"

Anyway, it has been remastered now to THX standards. I say its a good rental!

One item, it looks like James Camaron is remaking this movie. SIGH! It just won't be the same without Charlton Heston and Roddy McDowall. But it looks like Stan Winston will be working on the project, so there might be hope.

Humor

As always, if you want to stop getting the Humor Drop, reply to this email and stop me before I mail again!

Or if you know someone who wants to receive the Drop, email me with their name and email address and I'll add them to the list!

This weeks humor was supplied by:

Jersey Girl, Cyn Lavallee, Damon J. Gray, John Richards <yuks-l>, Mike Myers, Doug West, and Sam Hughes.

Subject: Kids on Marraige

Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received some interesting responses from those of a younger generation...

What Exactly Is Marriage??

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents"

-Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."

-Anita, AGE 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."

-Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."

-Carolyn, AGE 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.

"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."

-Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"

-Bert, AGE 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."

-Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."

-Jeremy, AGE 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."

-Martin, AGE 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."

-Craig, AGE 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."

-Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."

-Kally, AGE 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"

-Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them"

-Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."

-Will, AGE 7

Subject: Windows 98 Alert

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Texas. If you have one of the Texas editions, you may need some help understanding the commands.

Other features:

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Texas edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

What? More Man Bashing One Liners

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them
Q: What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching his ass and the other is a chimpanzee.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!
Q: What does P.M.S stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Why did god make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Subject: just a little brain candy


The sum of man's problems come from His inability to be alone in a silent room.

-Pascal


"And when the future hinges on the next words that are said, Don't let logic interfere, believe your heart instead."

-Philip Robison


"Education is an admirable thing. But it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught."

-Oscar Wilde


"To touch is to experience, but to feel is to live."

-Loren Klein


Take the clouds from your eyes and see me as I really am."

-Don Quixote


Knowing is not enough;
We must Apply.
Willing is not enough;
We must Do.

- Goethe


Monitor your thoughts;

they become words.
Monitor your words;

they become actions.
Monitor your actions;

they become habits.
Monitor your habits,

they become character.
Keep track of your character,

For it becomes your future.

-ixoyc


"You are but one small part of the Human Be-ing."

-Thunderhorse


"Tis better to argue a point and not settle it, than to settle a point and not argue it."

-J. Joubert


"And think not, you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course"

-Kahlil Gibran


"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Subject: The Bikini

16 year old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud, she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" she asked.

Her mother replied, "If I wore that when I was your age, you'd be 5 years older.

Subject: Merger Mania

Others in the works:

Thanx to: Mikey's Funnies

<--spr: see admin note #1>

Subject: chuckle

Something to brighten your day.

...Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119

<--spr: see admin note #1>

Subject: Blonde jokes

What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes at a four way stop.
Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
"Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds."
Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They cannot find the eleven on the phone!
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like crazy, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is whiteout all over the monitor.
How do you get a Blonde on the roof?
Tell her the drinks are on the house
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool OR put a mirror at the bottom of the pool
Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.


A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"


A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said "Oh, look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?"


A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22" "22" "22".

Are they true?

All of the following are said to be true stories -- you decide!

November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints?

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

November 15, 1996 - What the...?!

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem; go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was?

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good!

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said!

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

Subject: Terminal Cure

A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor" Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said "Well you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No" Replied the doctor"but it will get you used to the dirt."

Classified Adds

The following are actual excerpts from the classified sections of newspapers:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Subject: Mixed Signals

A small business was moving to the new mall and one of the owner's friends sent flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location.

Subject: Inheritence

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. "

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.

Subject: Swimming

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!"

Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?"

"I don't want the money."

"Do you want the house now or later?"

"I don't want the house."

"Do you want the cars and planes now or later?"

"I don't want the cars or the planes."

"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"

"I don't want that either."

"Do you want the drugs now or later?"

"I don't want the drugs."

"Do you want the girls now or later?"

"I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the bastard that pushed me in."

Subject: Useless yet fascinating trivia:

Subject: You know you live i the Northwest if.......

Passed on from a friend.

  1. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
  2. Know at least eight people who work for companies that manufacture computer parts, airplanes, or athletic shoes.
  3. Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, and Thai food.
  4. Return from a California vacation depressed because "all the grass was dead."
  5. Know the vast difference between SBC, Torrefazone, Coffee People and Starbucks.
  6. Take a half day every July 1 to find your sunglasses and sunscreen.
  7. Remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long you were out of power and phone service for every winter weather event in the last five years.
  8. Feel guilty for days after throwing an aluminum can in the trash instead of recycling it.
  9. Get very, very happy when the early morning weather forecast includes the term "sun breaks."
  10. Are able to use 10 words to order a beverage the rest of the country calls "coffee."
  11. Have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homowner's policy covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides -- or if the number of your favorite roofing company is on your phone's "speed-dial" list.
  12. Never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress pads that double as flotation devices.
  13. Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
  14. Moved to the Northwest because you read that the two most popular hobbies are fishing and reading. Since arriving you've taken up fly fishing and learned to tie flies by reading a book.
  15. Consider that if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently erupted, regardless of elevation, it is a "hill" and not a "mountain."
  16. Complain about Californians until the day you sell your house to one for twice what you paid for it.
  17. Don't complain about Californians because you secretly married one or are dating one.
  18. Find a wallet with $500 in it, return it all to the owner and refuse a reward.
  19. Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
  20. Used to live somewhere else.
  21. Believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent boating deaths.
  22. Believe swimming should only be done indoors, except in emergencies.
  23. Own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of microbrewries/brewpubs printed on them. Bonus for embroidery.
  24. Wave at people who drive Ford Explorer sport utility vehicles like yours.
  25. Basically, you just drive down the road waving.
  26. Can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though you can't see them through the clouds.
  27. Think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there once.
  28. Go to work and return home in the dark in the winter, even though you only have an eight-hour work day.
  29. Find that when the weather gets above 60 degrees, you replace your hiking boots with Birkenstock or Teva sandals.
  30. Believe people who use umbrellas are wimps, Californians, or both.
  31. You are sitting at a downtown red light. The light turns green and the car in front of you does not move. You do not honk. After two more light changes, you approach the driver to ask if they need any assistance.

Subject: A Thank You Letter

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

Dear Reyer School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.


Sincerely, Edna Johnston

Subject: More Trivia

Subject: Logic, according to my Uncle Wayne

The Greeks thought logic was a process. I think it's a happening; like language. We think in language. No one has ever traced language to a source. One of my favorite poets said in a poem, that he went back to the very first person who ever was and asked him how they invented language, and the man told him, "Well, we just all got together one day and talked it over." That's why, what's logical today is illogical tomorrow, and logical again next week. Logic does occur, but only for the moment in which it occurs. The process that the Greeks believed in by which logic occurs, is just another name for argument. It is the cold, merciless logic of the syllogism. And, through the artiface of Greek logic, I have demonstrated that logic doesn't exist. Next week I will destroy

"REASON."

Subject: Bumper Stickers

Subject Fitness Reports

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

OERs?

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

Subject: Resumes

The following were taken from real resumes and cover letters. They were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:

Courtroom Questions

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Subject: Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.

I watch house.
He come to house.

I watch.
He and she leave house.

I follow.
He and she get on train.

I follow.
He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree - look in window.
He kiss she.

She kiss he.
He strip she.

She strip he.
He play with she.

She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE

Subject: Diary

My Exercise Diary

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.

My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.

Day 1.

Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it, when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage,YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

Notes

Admin Note #1

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Last updated Sunday, July 8th, 2001 by S.Rielley