Humor Drop September 7^th, 1998

they become words.
Monitor your words;

they become actions.
Monitor your actions;

they become habits.
Monitor your habits,

they become character.
Keep track of your character,

For it becomes your future.

-ixoyc

-Thunderhorse

-J. Joubert

-Kahlil Gibran

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Subject: The Bikini

16 year old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud, she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" she asked.

Her mother replied, "If I wore that when I was your age, you'd be 5 years older.

Subject: Merger Mania

• A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.
• There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
• There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
• Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.

Others in the works:

• 3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
• John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi
• Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home
• Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine
• 3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera
• Grey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants
• Knott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOW
• Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple
• Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese
• Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da

Thanx to: Mikey's Funnies

Subject: chuckle

Something to brighten your day.

...Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119

Subject: Blonde jokes

What do you call an eternity?

Four Blondes at a four way stop.

Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?

Toes Go In First.

What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

"Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds."

Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?

Because it said concentrate.

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?

It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911?

They cannot find the eleven on the phone!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like crazy, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?

There is whiteout all over the monitor.

How do you get a Blonde on the roof?

Tell her the drinks are on the house

Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them.

How do you drown a Blonde?

Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool OR put a mirror at the bottom of the pool

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?

Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said "Oh, look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?"

A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22" "22" "22".

Are they true?

All of the following are said to be true stories -- you decide!

November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints?

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

November 15, 1996 - What the...?!

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem; go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was?

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good!

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said!

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

Subject: Terminal Cure

A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor" Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said "Well you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No" Replied the doctor"but it will get you used to the dirt."

Classified Adds

The following are actual excerpts from the classified sections of newspapers:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Subject: Mixed Signals

A small business was moving to the new mall and one of the owner's friends sent flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location.

Subject: Inheritence

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. "

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.

Subject: Swimming

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!"

Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?"

"I don't want the money."

"Do you want the house now or later?"

"I don't want the house."

"Do you want the cars and planes now or later?"

"I don't want the cars or the planes."

"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"

"I don't want that either."

"Do you want the drugs now or later?"

"I don't want the drugs."

"Do you want the girls now or later?"

"I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the bastard that pushed me in."

Subject: Useless yet fascinating trivia:

• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury
• It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.
• Smartest dogs:
  1. Scottish border collie
  2. Poodle
  3. Golden retriever.
• Dumbest: Afghan hound.
• Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
• Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
• Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000
• City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
• State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
• Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
• Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
• Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
• Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
• Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
• Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%
• Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
• Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
• Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70%
• Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
• Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage
• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
• The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
• The youngest Pope was 11 years old.
• Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
• First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
• A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
• In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
• The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
• The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
• Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
• Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
• The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
• The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
• When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
• The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
• Spades - King David,
• Clubs - Alexander the Great,
• Hearts - Charlemagne,
• Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

Subject: You know you live i the Northwest if.......

Passed on from a friend.

1. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
2. Know at least eight people who work for companies that manufacture computer parts, airplanes, or athletic shoes.
3. Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, and Thai food.
4. Return from a California vacation depressed because "all the grass was dead."
5. Know the vast difference between SBC, Torrefazone, Coffee People and Starbucks.
6. Take a half day every July 1 to find your sunglasses and sunscreen.
7. Remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long you were out of power and phone service for every winter weather event in the last five years.
8. Feel guilty for days after throwing an aluminum can in the trash instead of recycling it.
9. Get very, very happy when the early morning weather forecast includes the term "sun breaks."
10. Are able to use 10 words to order a beverage the rest of the country calls "coffee."
11. Have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homowner's policy covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides -- or if the number of your favorite roofing company is on your phone's "speed-dial" list.
12. Never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress pads that double as flotation devices.
13. Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
14. Moved to the Northwest because you read that the two most popular hobbies are fishing and reading. Since arriving you've taken up fly fishing and learned to tie flies by reading a book.
15. Consider that if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently erupted, regardless of elevation, it is a "hill" and not a "mountain."
16. Complain about Californians until the day you sell your house to one for twice what you paid for it.
17. Don't complain about Californians because you secretly married one or are dating one.
18. Find a wallet with $500 in it, return it all to the owner and refuse a reward.
19. Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
20. Used to live somewhere else.
21. Believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent boating deaths.
22. Believe swimming should only be done indoors, except in emergencies.
23. Own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of microbrewries/brewpubs printed on them. Bonus for embroidery.
24. Wave at people who drive Ford Explorer sport utility vehicles like yours.
25. Basically, you just drive down the road waving.
26. Can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though you can't see them through the clouds.
27. Think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there once.
28. Go to work and return home in the dark in the winter, even though you only have an eight-hour work day.
29. Find that when the weather gets above 60 degrees, you replace your hiking boots with Birkenstock or Teva sandals.
30. Believe people who use umbrellas are wimps, Californians, or both.
31. You are sitting at a downtown red light. The light turns green and the car in front of you does not move. You do not honk. After two more light changes, you approach the driver to ask if they need any assistance.

Subject: A Thank You Letter

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

Dear Reyer School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Sincerely, Edna Johnston

Subject: More Trivia

• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
• Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
• Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
• "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
• Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
• The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
• The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
• The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
• David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
• In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
• The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
• The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
• The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
• The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
• Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
• If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19.
You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
• No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
• The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
• The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports are the day before the All star baseball game and the day after.

Subject: Logic, according to my Uncle Wayne

The Greeks thought logic was a process. I think it's a happening; like language. We think in language. No one has ever traced language to a source. One of my favorite poets said in a poem, that he went back to the very first person who ever was and asked him how they invented language, and the man told him, "Well, we just all got together one day and talked it over." That's why, what's logical today is illogical tomorrow, and logical again next week. Logic does occur, but only for the moment in which it occurs. The process that the Greeks believed in by which logic occurs, is just another name for argument. It is the cold, merciless logic of the syllogism. And, through the artiface of Greek logic, I have demonstrated that logic doesn't exist. Next week I will destroy

"REASON."

Subject: Bumper Stickers

• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• All men are idiots ... I married their king.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• My kid had sex with your honor student.
• If at first you do succeed,try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted, telepath: you know where to apply
• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
• I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
• Jesus paid for our sins...now lets get our money's worth.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Keep honking, I'm reloading.
• Hang up and drive.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
• I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Lord save me from your followers.
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
• Cats... the other white meat.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
• Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
• I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
• Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Subject Fitness Reports

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
• I would not breed from this officer.
• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
• He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

OERs?

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• A room temperature IQ..
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming
• So dense, light bends around him.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
• Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Subject: Resumes

The following were taken from real resumes and cover letters. They were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:

• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
• I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
• Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
• Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
• Its best for employers that I not work with people.
• Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
• You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
• Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
• Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
• I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
• I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
• I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
• My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
• I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
• As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
• Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
• Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
• Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
• Marital status: often. Children: various.
• Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
• The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
• Finished eighth in my class of ten.
• References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Courtroom Questions

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

• "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
• "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
• "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
• "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
• "Did he kill you?"
• "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
• "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
• "How many times have you committed suicide?"
  
• Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
  A: "Yes."
  Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
• Q: "She had three children, right?"
  A: "Yes."
  Q: "How many were boys?"
  A: "None."
  Q: "Were there any girls?"
• Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
  A: "No."
  Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
  A: "No."
  Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
  A: "No."
  Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
  A: "No."
  Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
  A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
  Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
  A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
• Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
  A: "Yes."
  Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
• Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
  A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
  Q: "And you took your new wife?"
  Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
  A: "By death."
  Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
• Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
  A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
  Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
• Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
  A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
• Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
  A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
• Q:"All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
  A: "Oral."
• Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
  A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
  Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
  A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Subject: Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.

I watch house.
He come to house.

I watch.
He and she leave house.

I follow.
He and she get on train.

I follow.
He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree - look in window.
He kiss she.

She kiss he.
He strip she.

She strip he.
He play with she.

She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE

Subject: Diary

My Exercise Diary

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.

My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.

Day 1.

Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it, when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage,YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

Notes

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Last updated Sunday, July 8th, 2001 by S.Rielley