Humor Drop for September 1st, 1998


Hi All;

Well, I managed to perform my duties as audio guy for "Standing Ground/Smashing Time", for the last three weeks without too many mistakes.

I had a great time working with Jake, Beth and Julie Ann (who ran the lighting). I have to admit I was impressed with both Jake and Beth's performances and writing. If you have a chance to see any of their performances, go see it. Check out Theatre Babylon for other local performances in Seattle.

Sam threw what I'm going to call "Chili Fest West #1" on Sunday up in Bellingham. It was a nice small gathering with three different chilies prepared by Sam, Kevin and myself. Sam fixed chili Verde and Kevin prepared a good Black Bean Chili. Both very tasty. I of course, fixed my infamous Texas Chili and Turbo sauce. It wasn't my best batch, it was a tad harsh and bit hotter then I planned. Next time, we're going to have to get more people to participate! Let me know if you're interested in either cooking or partaking in the next Chili Fest. Though, we might have to find a larger location to throw the next one.

LOL, I'm still trying to clean up my kitchen, it looks like a chili powder factory explosion. I had a lot of fun hunting down spices this weekend. I never really appreciated having the Pikes Place Market so close until Sunday when I was looking for Piquins and Chipotle. I wandered through the different shops talking with different merchants about the relative merits of different peppers. Lots of fun!

As always, if you want to stop getting the Humor Drop, reply to this email and stop me before I mail again! Or if you know someone who wants to receive the Drop, email me with their name and email address and I'll add them to the list!

Things of the Week:

Spice of the Week:

Chili Piquin:

A small red, fiery hot Mexican chili also known as bird's eye pepper. About 140,000 heat units. (Jalapeno's are around 55,000 heat units)

Quote of the Week:

Never try to impress a woman. Because if you do she'll expect you to keep up to the standard for the rest of your life. And the pace, my friends, is devastating.

--W. C. Fields

Phrase of the Week

(Supplied by Bill Luton):

"Recto-cranial inversion" which means, "to have your head up your ass"

LOL, thanks Bill!

Movie of the Week


Wesley Snipes brings the comic book hero Blade to the big screen. Lots of action, very interesting interpretation on vampires and their culture. Some of the scenes remind me of the artwork from White Wolf. I had fun watching it, but as usual I was not expecting much from an action movie. I would recommend it as a matinee.

Book of the Week

Essays and Lectures" by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Computer Game of the Week

(or what kept me from reading more books)

Starcraft by Blizzard

Lots of fun, though after downloading patch #2, the computer has been wiping the board with me <sigh>


Humor supplied by:

Glenn Gidlof, Katey McElroy, Gail Alderdice, Jersey Girl, Cyn Lavallee, DJ Gray, John Richards <yuks-l>, and Bill Luton.

Subject: summer camp for kids???

For those of you who have kids and those who will someday have kids...

Here’s a list of summer camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:

Subject: Caution puns ahead.

This is cute…

  1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
  3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
  5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
  6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
  7. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
  8. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  9. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  10. A doctor's regular habit was to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
  11. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
  12. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
  13. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
  14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins --- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


Date: Wednesday, August 05, 1998 6:15 PM


Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.


A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.


What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n


You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.


Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n


Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.


An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n


A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.


The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v


To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.


What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.


Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n


Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.


You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus…breath…push…"

Lipstick (lip*stik) n


On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n.


Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.


The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.


Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n


A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Subject: Heavenly Limricks

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

Subject: Limericks

This is from a contest from somewhere. The requirements were to use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners.

Entry # 1

There once was a gal named Lewinsky

Who played on a flute like Stravinsky

'Twas "Hail to the Chief"

on this flute made of beef

that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry # 2

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky

We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,

Since you look such a mess,

use the hem of your dress

And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry # 3

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown

what Kaczynski must surely have known:

that an intern is better

than a bomb in a letter

given the choice of how to be blown.

Subject: Men

Q:What is the thinnest book in the world?

A:"What Men Know About Women"

Q:How many men does it tke to screw in a light bulb?

A:One - Men will screw anything

Q:How can you tell if man is sexually aroused?

A:He's breathing

Q:What's the difference between men and government bonds?

A:Bonds mature

Q:What do men and beer bottles have in common?

A:Both are empty from the neck up

Q:How can you tell if a man's happy?

A:Who cares?

Q:How are men and parking spots alike?

A:The good one's are always taken and the one's left are handicapped

Q:What do you call a man with half a brain?


Q:What did God say after he created man?

A:I know I can do better than this

Q:What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?

A:A man's undivided attention

Q:Why are men like laxatives?

A:They irratate the shit out of you

Q:Why do men name their penises?

A:They want to be on a first name basis with the one who makes all their decisions

Q:Do you know why men have a hole in the end of their penis?

A:They want to get air to their brain

Q:Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

A:So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties?

Q:How is a man like a snowstorm?

A:You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last

Q:What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

A:A hot dog and a six pack

Q:How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A:We don't know, it has never happened

Subject: Resumes

~~~ Quotes from REAL Resumes ~~~








...You hold a frog and IT worries about getting warts.

...You think safe sex is when the participants are married.

...Your wife has 4-wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner.

...The original color of your carper is an unsolved mystery.

...Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your mirror.

...You have a tire swing in your house.

...Your local funeral parlor has a neon sign in the window.

...Your best pick-up line for women is written on your ball cap.

...Your best pick-up line for women is "Hey, nice tooth."

...Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

...You've ever vacationed in a rest area.

...You think that Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.

...Your kids have a 3-day-old kool-aid mustache.

...You sell rabbits out of your car.

...Your beauty pageant talent is making noises with your armpit.

...You spend more time watching pro rasslin' on TV than sleeping.

...You have a bumper sticker on your bowling ball.

...You bring a bar of soap to a public pool.

...You wash your truck more often than your kids.

...Your yard has ever been the proposed sight for a landfill.

...There are tobacco stains down the side of your school bus.

...Everyone in your family is an Elvis impersonator.

Subject: no respect

Government Folks & Contractors

You know you have been working for the Government too long when:

You've been a (DoD?) contractor too long when:

Subject: A few from me

Jesus goes running out to his father's carpentry shop. "Dad," he cries, "did you call?" "No, I just hit my thumb with a hammer!")

Adam's sitting around in the Garden of Eden thinking. "Lord," he says, "It's kind of lonely here." Well," says God. "I could make you a companion - she'll smell nice, cook and clean for you and make good conversation." "Sounds good," says Adam, "but what'll it cost." "Oh, an arm and a leg," says God. "What can I get for a rib?"

Woman goes into a hardware store. To the clerk she says, "I'd like a strap hinge." "Certainly, madam," says the clerk. "Would you like a screw for it?" " No, but I'll blow you for that clock radio on the shelf."

Two drunks in a New York bar. One asks the other if he's fed up with the quality of booze in this place. The answer is "yes." "Why don't we try to get a buzz out of some jet fuel?" says the first guy. So they do this. A couple of days later, the second guy gets a phone call. "Hi, it's me, Joe - how did you like the jet fuel?" "It's great stuff said the second guy." Then Joe says, "by the way, have you farted yet?" "No I haven't," came the reply. "Don't," says Joe, "I'm calling from Phoenix."

Subject: A Kiss


FOUR strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

Subject: Sum Funnies...

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.

The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, and then spikes the cat into the pavement.

Subject: Art Critic

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

Subject: Jigsaw

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised:

You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

Subject: The Haircut

"Getting a Haircut"

A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves again. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill attempts to stop laughing, looks up and says, "Er... To your house."

Subject: A woman's point of view

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want of have dinner with.

Submitted to net.humour.funny by: Loretta Sabio (AKA "The Olde Broad")



John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.

  1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
  2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
  3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
  4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
  5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
  6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
  7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
  8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
  9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
  10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
  11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
  12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
  13. executed as soon as possible.

Signed ...




That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.

Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13) for my true assessment of him.



Subject: DAFFY-nitions

Open a word document

Type - Love her and Leave her

Then highlight the whole thing and press shift+F7


Subject: Lessions Learned

A six-year-old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

Submitted by: Joseph E James @

Jay Leno one liners:

The movie 'Face/Off' opens tomorrow night. It's about two people who switch faces. Kind of like Michael Jackson and Diana Ross.

The Air Force released a report today on the Roswell incident. Do you know what that is? The big UFO thing. They concluded aliens never landed or crashed space ships in Roswell. Do you know what that means? Michael Jackson is one of us.

Today it became official, O.J. Simpson's Brentwood home goes on the auction block July 14. They are asking $2.5 million for it. Pretty good deal. For $2.5 it should sell -- it has a golf course in the front yard and you can play at night; there are short cuts to the airport; and it's within stalking distance to everything.

According to the Globe, they say that Regis wants to replace Kathie Lee with Susan Lucci. In fact, today Frank Gifford said, 'Hey, fine with me, bring her over.'

Woolworth's five and dime went out of business This is bad news for the Mir space station. Where are they gonna get parts now?

Old Ironsides, the famous battleship from the War of 1812 sailed for the first time in 116 years. They said this is the biggest thing to hit the water in Massachusetts since Ted Kennedy.

This week's 'Newsweek', the cover story is 'The New Rich', and it features 24 of the richest Americans, or as Autumn Jackson calls them, 'Daddy!'

In an exclusive section of Bel-Air police raided a 50-room mansion and arrested a tenant who was growing over 5,000 marijuana plants for personal, medical use. I believe it was called the dorm.

Subject: News of the Weird [537] - 22May98

WEIRDNUZ.537 (News of the Weird, May 22, 1998)

by Chuck Shepherd

See copyright notice at the end of this transmission.

To Unsubscribe

Lead Stories

More Than a Best Friend

Life Imitates the Movies

He Can Break Your Nose Or He Can Powder It

Note to Italy: Accidents Happen

Jeans Technology

Least Competent Criminals

Recurring Themes

Thinning the Herd

Darwin award candidates?????

<spr: see Admin notes for NEWS OF THE WEIRD Administrative Notices>

New Rules

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."

"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home, too, and catch them.

"Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy.

My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!

Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side.

It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when

I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course, I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me, and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself.

"Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died", said the angel.

"OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."


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