Well, the new computer has been keeping me busy playing games, so there isn't a book of the week. LOL, but I am doing well with Diablo!
So, with that in mind, I'll go directly to the humor.
Sam Hughes, Caren Pollock, Glenn Gidlof, John Richards <yuks-l>, Dave Hastings, Bill Luton, Robin Bartholet, Damon J. Gray, Mike Myers, and Pete Johnson
(--spr: ok, its not humor, but it is a good logic problem)
This one is definately time-consuming. Maybe I'll post the answer after a few weeks...
Who owns the Zebra? The facts essential to solving the problem--which can be solved by combining deduction, analysis, and sheer persistence-- are as follows:
Now, who drinks water? And who owns the Zebra?
by Will Plyler
Now that everyone has had a chance to see the movie I thought I'd throw out a few fun facts and trivia about the making of the movie:
HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE"MEN....
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
PLAYING MOMMY & DADDY
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window of a bar. Much to their chagrin, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened. When they peeked inside the bar, they did not find anyone.
The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting cross-legged on the counter with a turban on his head.
The wife asked, "Pardon me, but do you work here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that hideous little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered, bowing his head toward them.
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes. The third wish I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed upon two wishes... one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year, forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife agreed, and she went off with the genie to a nearby room.
After the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife if she minded if he asked her a few questions. "No, I don't mind," she replied.
"How long have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she responded, "31 years old."
Then the genie asked, "So, how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
--Submitted by Melissa D.
Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded: "This really works!
Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems.
If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"
Submitted by: Hara Ra @ shamanics.com
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the abbreviated address of the Washington Biological Survey:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:
Mr. Ryan De Vries
Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.
The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,1998.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
David L. Price
Land and Water Management Division
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20;
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.
First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition * please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State-I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.<\p>
If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.
Stephen L. Tvedten
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Susie had a crush on Mickey since she was 15 years old, but Mickey never paid her any attention. Every year, Susie would try to get Mickey to notice her, but he just wasn't interested. Finally, when Susie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mickey noticed. Susie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mickey asked her for a date for a Friday night!! She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday.
Finally, Friday came. As soon as she got home from school, Susie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for. Seven o'clock took long, but finally arrived.
Looking out the window, she saw Mickey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. "Hi Mickey!" She said, more nervous than she'd ever been in her life. Mickey took one look at her and said, sincerely, "Susie, you look beautiful!!" Susie was so pleased when she walked out the door ... then IT hit her. Oh no. Susie realized in horror that she had to FART!! And from the pressure in her belly knew it wouldn't wait.
"Oh my gosh", she thought, as she walked along towards Mickey's car, "what am I going to do?".
Being a quick thinker, Susie got an idea: She would let him open the door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window really quick, and by the time he came around and got in, everything would be O.K. So they got to the car, Mickey, as if on cue, opened the door; Susie got in. He closed the door, and without delay she really ripped one ...a giant clap of thunder barely muffled by the closed car and the traffic outside.
She rolled down the window, and saw that Mickey was just getting around to his door. Breathing a sigh of relief, and relaxing a little now, Susie smiled at Mickey as he got in the car.
Proudly and politely, Mickey turned to her, pointed to the back seat, and said, "Susie, I'd like you to meet my brother, Carl and his date."
It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this before you form your own preconceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that they will tend to over dramatize the affair.
We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from changing the "G" flag for the "H" flag and , it being his first trip, was having difficulty rolling up the "G" flag. I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him to "let go." The lad, although willing, is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.
At this moment, the Chief Officer appeared from the Chart Room, having been plotting the vessel's progress, and, thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the "Let Go" to the Third Officer on the bow of the ship. The port anchor, having been cleared away but not walked out to the water's edge, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the "pipe" while the vessel was proceeding at full speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out "by the roots." I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans a tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say are pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel, the Third Officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.
After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring Full Astern on the Engine Room Telegraph and personally rang the Engine Room on the phone to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there was a film tonight; my reply would not add constructively to this report.
Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of the vessel. Down aft, they were having their own problems.
At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug and lowering the ship's towing spring down onto the tug.
The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to "run in under" the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering my double ring Full Astern. The prompt action of the Second Officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, thereby allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel.
It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a "cable area" at the time might suggest that we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high-tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable; but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.
It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behaviors of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot, for instance, is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin, alternately crying and crooning to himself after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book Of Records. The tug captain, on the other hand, reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the Steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and crew.
I enclose the names and addresses of drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Third Officer collected after his somewhat hurried vacuation of the forecastle. These particulars will enable you to claim for the damage that they did to the railings of the No. 1 Hold. I am enclosing this preliminary report, for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.
For weekly Accountability Report, I will assign the following Casualty Numbers T/750101 to T/750199 inclusive.
This is too funny.
One of my co-workers at Wall Data has come up with a game that is just a scream. He calls it Pick Up Sticks for the 90s.
It requires a computer that you don't mind messing up, and the computer has to be running Win95 as the OS. After determining who goes first, each person playing deletes a DLL from the Win95\System directory and tries to reboot. The player who can't get the system to reboot is out.
Then you restore the file, or the whole OS and go again till only one player is left.
We are still completely stymied.
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
We know who to blame.
It works just OK, but it looks very hi-tech.
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy just to get it delivered. (Example-Denver Airport)
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
The only person who understood the thing quit.
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
I can't wait to hear this. Hee Hee!
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
Too darn heavy to lift!
Lighter than RUGGED, but still too heavy.
One finally worked.
Achieved when the power switch is off.
Impossible to fix if broken.
Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.
Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "ol Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
>From a letter to the editor in The New York Observer:
"There seems to be no evidence that Ms. Lewinsky was ever in bed with Mr. Clinton. In holding the affair to unilateral oral limits, he showed terrific judgment. Given even minimal aptitude, the job can be done with dispatch. It's simple, efficient and relatively safe, thus showing commendable concern for the health of the nation's leader. It wastes none of his valuable time on foreplay, achieves a desirable goal by peaceful and economic means and has him back at his desk, doing the people's work, in nothing flat. And that's what I call presidential."
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice of how to be blown
A Pig Story...
Bill Clinton's limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to Washington from camp david, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages and apologize.
They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened.
2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face.
Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him "I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced me to their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the miss america pageant, they left us alone to have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came downstairs and the mother had this bag of cookies for me.
Bill says "What did you tell them?"
The driver replies "I told them I was Bill Clinton's driver, and that I just killed the pig"
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said,"Sure."
So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends became curious of what the man did for a living so they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. They kinda laughed.
The man said, "No, really! I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like." So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it.
He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"
The stranger said, "Sure."
So the man looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!" This upset man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.
The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
The man said, "$1000? Ouch! But okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, for screwing around with mywife."
The hitman agrees, lifts the rifle and looks through the scope.
He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man is getting impatient and asks the hitman what he's waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold on now..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."