Humor Drop August 20th, 1998

Introduction

Hi All,

Well, the new computer has been keeping me busy playing games, so there isn't a book of the week. LOL, but I am doing well with Diablo!

So, with that in mind, I'll go directly to the humor.

Humor

Humor supplied by:

Sam Hughes, Caren Pollock, Glenn Gidlof, John Richards <yuks-l>, Dave Hastings, Bill Luton, Robin Bartholet, Damon J. Gray, Mike Myers, and Pete Johnson

Subject: Puzzles

(--spr: ok, its not humor, but it is a good logic problem)

This one is definately time-consuming. Maybe I'll post the answer after a few weeks...

Who owns the Zebra? The facts essential to solving the problem--which can be solved by combining deduction, analysis, and sheer persistence-- are as follows:

  1. There are five houses, each a different color and inhabited by men of different nationalities, with different pets, drinks, and cars.
  2. The Englishman lives in the red house.
  3. The Spaniard owns the dog.
  4. Cocoa is drunk in the green house.
  5. The Ukrainian drinks eggnog.
  6. The green house is immediately to the right (your right) of the ivory house.
  7. The Oldsmobile owner owns snails.
  8. The owner of the Ford lives in the yellow house.
  9. Milk is drunk in the middle house.
  10. The Norwegian lives in the first house on the left.
  11. The man who owns a Chevrolet lives in the house next to the house where the man owns a fox.
  12. The Ford owner's house is next to the house where the horse is kept.
  13. The Mercedes-Benz owner drinks orange juice.
  14. The Japanese drives a Volkswagen.
  15. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.

Now, who drinks water? And who owns the Zebra?

Godzilla Production Report #19

by Will Plyler

Now that everyone has had a chance to see the movie I thought I'd throw out a few fun facts and trivia about the making of the movie:

  1. We used enough lumber for the sets to build 50 homes.
  2. Used over 1,000 4'x8'x16' Styrofoam blocks to build portions of the sets, including the subway tunnels.
  3. Used 35 tons of steel to build the sets
  4. There was enough paint used on the film to paint the entire Golden Gate Bridge
  5. Used 2.4 million gallons, or 32,000 cubic feet, of water to create rain for the entire film.
  6. In one night of filming used upward of 48,000 gallons of water
  7. Created enough non-toxic smoke on the film to completely fill the Los Angeles Coliseum 24 hours a day for one week.
  8. There were a total of 16 different cabs used to create the entire cab sequence.
  9. Built 51 crushable lead doors for the Madison Square Garden set
  10. Burned over 1,000 non-toxic fire logs to create the smoke and burning debris seen in film.
  11. Made 2,000 foam fish to create the fish pile.
  12. Created over 1,000 soft architectural pieces for falling debris
  13. Built 20 "car thumpers" to lift cars on the street as Godzilla walked
  14. Sank a 50ft boat in 24ft of water using a special underwater rigging system
  15. Used an 8 foot by 17 foot metal plate weighing 16,000 lbs. dropped from 30ft in the air to simulate Godzilla stepping on cars. The automobiles were reduced to a 14-inch high slab of metal.
  16. 80 % of all materials used on the film were recycled after use.

Subject: FW: Quiz

HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE"MEN....

  1. In the company of feminists, sex should be referred to as:
    1. Lovemaking
    2. Screwing
    3. The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
  2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
    1. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
    2. Your blood-test results
    3. Five tequila slammers
  3. You time your orgasm so that:
    1. Your partner climaxes first
    2. You both climax simultaneously
    3. You don't miss SportsCenter
  4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    1. Healthy, creative love-play
    2. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree
    3. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
  5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
    1. The best part of the experience
    2. The second best part of the experience
    3. $100 extra
  6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
    1. No concern of yours
    2. Not a problem - she can join your gym
    3. A conservative estimate
  7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
    1. A myth
    2. An oxymoron
    3. A moron
  8. Foreplay is to sex as:
    1. Appetizer is to entree
    2. Priming is to painting
    3. A queue is to an amusement park ride
  9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
    1. "I hope we can still be friends."
    2. "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
    3. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
  10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
    1. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
    2. Is uptight and a waste of time
    3. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

Subject: Playing Mommy and Daddy

PLAYING MOMMY & DADDY

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Genie?

A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window of a bar. Much to their chagrin, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened. When they peeked inside the bar, they did not find anyone.

The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting cross-legged on the counter with a turban on his head.

The wife asked, "Pardon me, but do you work here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that hideous little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered, bowing his head toward them.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes. The third wish I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed upon two wishes... one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year, forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife agreed, and she went off with the genie to a nearby room.

After the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife if she minded if he asked her a few questions. "No, I don't mind," she replied.

"How long have you been married?"

She replied, "3 years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she responded, "31 years old."

Then the genie asked, "So, how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

--Submitted by Melissa D.

>Subject: Future Transmission

Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded: "This really works!

Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems.

If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"

Submitted by: Hara Ra @ shamanics.com

Subject: Regarding Fowl

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the abbreviated address of the Washington Biological Survey:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

Subject: One Liners

Subject: Protect your beavers

This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:

Mr. Ryan De Vries

2088 Dagget

Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative

Land and Water Management Division

RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20;

Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition * please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State-I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.<\p>

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

cc: PETA

Subject: Evolution

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

  1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
  2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
  3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
  4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
  5. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
  6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
  7. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
  8. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
  9. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
  10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
  11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
  12. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
  13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
  14. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
  15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Subject: Morning Humor

Susie had a crush on Mickey since she was 15 years old, but Mickey never paid her any attention. Every year, Susie would try to get Mickey to notice her, but he just wasn't interested. Finally, when Susie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mickey noticed. Susie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mickey asked her for a date for a Friday night!! She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday.

Finally, Friday came. As soon as she got home from school, Susie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for. Seven o'clock took long, but finally arrived.

Looking out the window, she saw Mickey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. "Hi Mickey!" She said, more nervous than she'd ever been in her life. Mickey took one look at her and said, sincerely, "Susie, you look beautiful!!" Susie was so pleased when she walked out the door ... then IT hit her. Oh no. Susie realized in horror that she had to FART!! And from the pressure in her belly knew it wouldn't wait.

"Oh my gosh", she thought, as she walked along towards Mickey's car, "what am I going to do?".

Being a quick thinker, Susie got an idea: She would let him open the door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window really quick, and by the time he came around and got in, everything would be O.K. So they got to the car, Mickey, as if on cue, opened the door; Susie got in. He closed the door, and without delay she really ripped one ...a giant clap of thunder barely muffled by the closed car and the traffic outside.

She rolled down the window, and saw that Mickey was just getting around to his door. Breathing a sigh of relief, and relaxing a little now, Susie smiled at Mickey as he got in the car.

Proudly and politely, Mickey turned to her, pointed to the back seat, and said, "Susie, I'd like you to meet my brother, Carl and his date."

Shipping Accident Report

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this before you form your own preconceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that they will tend to over dramatize the affair.

We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from changing the "G" flag for the "H" flag and , it being his first trip, was having difficulty rolling up the "G" flag. I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him to "let go." The lad, although willing, is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.

At this moment, the Chief Officer appeared from the Chart Room, having been plotting the vessel's progress, and, thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the "Let Go" to the Third Officer on the bow of the ship. The port anchor, having been cleared away but not walked out to the water's edge, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the "pipe" while the vessel was proceeding at full speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out "by the roots." I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans a tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say are pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel, the Third Officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring Full Astern on the Engine Room Telegraph and personally rang the Engine Room on the phone to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there was a film tonight; my reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of the vessel. Down aft, they were having their own problems.

At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug and lowering the ship's towing spring down onto the tug.

The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to "run in under" the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering my double ring Full Astern. The prompt action of the Second Officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, thereby allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel.

It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a "cable area" at the time might suggest that we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high-tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable; but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behaviors of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot, for instance, is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin, alternately crying and crooning to himself after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book Of Records. The tug captain, on the other hand, reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the Steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and crew.

I enclose the names and addresses of drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Third Officer collected after his somewhat hurried vacuation of the forecastle. These particulars will enable you to claim for the damage that they did to the railings of the No. 1 Hold. I am enclosing this preliminary report, for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.

It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

For weekly Accountability Report, I will assign the following Casualty Numbers T/750101 to T/750199 inclusive.

Yours truly,

Captain Smith

Subject: Omer's PickUpSticks for the 90's

This is too funny.

One of my co-workers at Wall Data has come up with a game that is just a scream. He calls it Pick Up Sticks for the 90s.

It requires a computer that you don't mind messing up, and the computer has to be running Win95 as the OS. After determining who goes first, each person playing deletes a DLL from the Win95\System directory and tries to reboot. The player who can't get the system to reboot is out.

Then you restore the file, or the whole OS and go again till only one player is left.

Subject: Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies

  1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED

    We are still completely stymied.

  2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM

    We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

  3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION

    We know who to blame.

  4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH

    It works just OK, but it looks very hi-tech.

  5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED

    We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy just to get it delivered. (Example-Denver Airport)

  6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE

    The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

  7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING

    We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

  8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED

    The only person who understood the thing quit.

  9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS

    It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

  10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT

    Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

  11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL

    Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

  12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING

    We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

  13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION

    I can't wait to hear this. Hee Hee!

  14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS

    Come into my office, I'm lonely.

  15. 15-ALL NEW

    Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

  16. RUGGED

    Too darn heavy to lift!

  17. LIGHTWEIGHT

    Lighter than RUGGED, but still too heavy.

  18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT

    One finally worked.

  19. ENERGY SAVING

    Achieved when the power switch is off.

  20. LOW MAINTENANCE

    Impossible to fix if broken.

Subject: No Step

Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.

Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "ol Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Subject: Wal-Mart shopper

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Subject: Working in the Oval Office

>From a letter to the editor in The New York Observer:

"There seems to be no evidence that Ms. Lewinsky was ever in bed with Mr. Clinton. In holding the affair to unilateral oral limits, he showed terrific judgment. Given even minimal aptitude, the job can be done with dispatch. It's simple, efficient and relatively safe, thus showing commendable concern for the health of the nation's leader. It wastes none of his valuable time on foreplay, achieves a desirable goal by peaceful and economic means and has him back at his desk, doing the people's work, in nothing flat. And that's what I call presidential."

New Numbers Of The Beast

660
Approximate number of The Beast
DCLXVI
Roman numeral of The Beast
666.000000
Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666
Number of the Millibeast
/ 666
Beast Common Denominator
0.005015
Reciprocal of the Beast.
666i
Imaginary number of The Beast
1010011010
Binary number of The Beast
443556
Square of the Beast
2.8235
Log of the beast
6.5913
Ln Beast
1.738E289
Anti-log of the beast
6.66E2
Scientific number of the Beast
29A
Hexadecimal number of the Beast
666!
Factorial of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666
Area code of The Beast
0666
Zip code of The Beast
1-900-666-0666
Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95
Retail price of The Beast
$55.50
Monthly cost of the Beast in twelve easy equal monthly installments
699.25
Price of The Beast plus 5% state sales
$769.95
Price of The Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66
WalMart price of The Beast
$646.66
Next week's WalMart price of The Beast
Phillips 666
Gasoline of The Beast
Route 666
Way of The Beast (Highway to Hell)
666 Minutes
Weekly news program about the Beast
666 F
Oven temperature for roast Beast
664 & 668
Neighbors of the Beast
666k
Retirement plan of The Beast
666 mg
Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 %
5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6
Spreadsheet of The Beast
Word 6.66
Word Processor of The Beast
i66686
CPU of The Beast
666-I
BMW of The Beast
665.99999973
Intel Pentium number of the Beast
666 Sunset Strip
Old T. V. series about the Beast soon on Nick-At-Nite
DSM-666 (revised)
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of The Beast
Windows 666
Bill Gates' personal Beast

Subject: limericksyns...

Contestants' Entries:

Entry # 1

There once was a gal named Lewinsky

Who played on a flute like Stravinsky

'Twas "Hail to the Chief"

on this flute made of beef

that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry # 2

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky

We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,

Since you look such a mess,

Use the hem of your dress

And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry # 3

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown

what Kaczynski must surely have known:

that an intern is better

than a bomb in a letter

given the choice of how to be blown

Subject: FW: Pig story

A Pig Story...

Bill Clinton's limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to Washington from camp david, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages and apologize.

They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened.

2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face.

Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him "I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced me to their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the miss america pageant, they left us alone to have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came downstairs and the mother had this bag of cookies for me.

Bill says "What did you tell them?"

The driver replies "I told them I was Bill Clinton's driver, and that I just killed the pig"

Subject: FW: hitman, man...

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said,"Sure."

So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends became curious of what the man did for a living so they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. They kinda laughed.

The man said, "No, really! I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like." So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it.

He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"

The stranger said, "Sure."

So the man looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!" This upset man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.

The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

The man said, "$1000? Ouch! But okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, for screwing around with mywife."

The hitman agrees, lifts the rifle and looks through the scope.

He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man is getting impatient and asks the hitman what he's waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold on now..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."