Humor Drop 07/28/98

Hi All

Well, it was a slow, lazy weekend. It was hot (90 F), but I was able to spend time in the pool.

We celebrated Marie's birthday a week early, since she was in Tacoma.

I have attached the "Corruption Test". If you're sensitive sex and drugs, just ignore it.

Have a great week!

Book of the Week:

"The Man Who Ate Everything : And Other Gastronomic Feats, Disputes and Pleasurable Pursuits" by Jeffrey Steingarten

Humor

Humor supplied by:

Robin Bartholet, Glenn Glidlof, Cyn Lavallee, DJ Gray, John Richards(yuks-l), Tim Miller and Kevin Guagush

Subject: Darwin Awards

They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award: It's an annual honor given to the person who's done the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been very keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event.

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

  1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing his head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
  2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
  3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on.. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
  4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
  5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.
  6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
  7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont , Daniel Kolta,27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
  8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

(Some of these folks are ineligible because their antics, although worthy, did not render them dead. They will undoubtedly turn up on the master list eventually!)

  1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
  2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
  3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
  4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons".

SOME MORE ALSO RANS

  1. BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked. Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb t have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing" The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there".
  2. TACOMA, WA -Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen."All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it ". Bingham's foot was never located.

Subject: Believe it or not (true stories)

--spr: I suspect some of these being urban legends

TRUE STORIES

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..." That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.," I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said

"RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

Subject: Unknown Bumps

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

Subject: Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.

Subject: Wordy words

A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.

The wife thought about that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands.", to which he looked up and asked, "Come again?"

Subject: The sandbox

A first-grade class came in from recess. Teacher asked Alice, "What did you do at recess?"

Alice answered, "I played in the sandbox."

Teacher replied, "That's nice. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does so and earns a cookie.

Teacher then asked Billy what he did at recess.

Billy said, "I played with Alice in sandbox."

Teacher replied, "Good. If you write 'Box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

Likewise, Billy does, and earns a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy in the sandbox, but they threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? Why, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

Subject: Livin' In the '90s

20. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

19. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

18. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.

17. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

16. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

15. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

14. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

0. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

Subject: Happy Dog

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

Submitted by: Diesel Dan @ pipeline.com

Subject: A regular Sherlock Holms

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi-stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up,he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?''

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before." The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing,'' the driver said.

"What is that?''

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.''

Submitted by: Robert J. Elkins @ juno.com

Subject: The IRS

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'"

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

--Submitted by Melissa D.

--spr: note #1

Subject: It all adds up

Here's a little humor for a summer day.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

Subject: Bumper stickers

Subjec: Corned Beef?

Why do they call it "corned beef" if it doesn't contain corn?

(answer below)

Subject: Quotes

First Quote

Without courage, all other virtues lose their meaning.

--Winston Churchill

Second Quote:

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

--Winston Churchill

Subject: Crying In His Beer

here's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

Submitted by: Maria Breeden @ hotmail.com

--spr: note #1

Subject: Gerald of Wales

Among the smaller islands there is one of fair size that is now called the Isle of Man . . . There was a great controversy in antiquity concerning the question: to which of the two countries should the island properly belong? Eventually, however, the matter was settled. All agreed that since it allowed poisonous reptiles to live in it, it should belong to Britain.

Reference Section

Note #1:

This has been a message from yuks-l, your one-stop comedy shop. To send a message to yuks-l, send email to yuks-l@tc98.grolier.com To add yourself to this list, send email to listserver@tc98.grolier.com and include this line in the message:

subscribe yuks-l <your name>

Answers

The Answer:

The word "corned" in corned beef, doesn't refer to an ingredient but to a preservation process. To corn something, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, is to preserve it with salt.

(Source: "Ever Wonder Why" by Douglas Smith)