Humor Drop June 17th, 1998

Introduction

Here we go.

Humor

Humor supplied by:

Kevin Gaugush, John Richards, Gloria Ave, and Steve Markowitz

Tips on Love

From those that should know

(all questions are answered by kids 5-10)

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."

(Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"

(Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."

(Mike, 10)

"WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."

(Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."

(Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them"

(Lynette, 9)

It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."

(Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."

(Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."

(Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."

(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."

(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."

(Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."

(Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."

(Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."

(Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street' is on television."

(Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."

(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."

(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."

(Ava, 8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."

(Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."

(Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."

(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."

(John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.

(Dave 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."

(Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."

(Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you."

(Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."

(Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it."

(Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."

(Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."

(Roger, 8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."

(Randy, 8)

The End...

Subject: Grandma's Revenge

This is good!

GRANDMA BOUGHT A BUMPER STICKER FOR HER OLD BUICK..she writes:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "HONK IF YOU REALLY LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I am really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. The bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window, and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go".

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those lovingpeople. There must been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked ar each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the movement that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed and I stepped on the gas. It is a good thing I did because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks. Love ya all, Grandma"

WATCH OUT FOR THOSE GRANDMOTHERS IN BUICKS.

Subject: HUM: Quote Story

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".

"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

Submitted by: Al Schritter @ juno.com

Subject: HUM: Are You Ready to Have a Baby?

(--spr: Tim, you might want to pass this on to your step-son.)

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST

Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.

Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Submitted by: Daniel Cortes @ juno.com

Subject: Believe it or not!!!

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a Cal pharmacologist developed a suppository. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.

Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!

Now stop bitching and get back to work.

Subject: What did you say?

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies. "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him." So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him." The foreman is really ticked off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from a closet and yells: "SUPPLIES!"

What's In A Name?

I met a Chinese man who told me his name was Abe Schwartz. I asked him if he was Jewish to which he replied that he wasn't.

"How did you get that name? Did your mother marry a Jewish man?"

"Of course not! What happened was, when I came to this country and was standing on the immigration line, the man in front of me was named Abe Schwartz. When it came my turn, they asked me my name and I said, Sem Ting"

Subject: Anatomy Class

A girl enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure." She says. "He's at home taking care of the kids."

Subject: Official Moron Test

This is the "Official Moron Test."

[--spr: I put the answers to the questions at the bottom of the file]

It's based upon typical graduation requirements at "The University of Hard Knocks". It separates the dumb people from the really dumb people. Answer the following 13 questions, then scroll down and check your answers. DON'T CHEAT!!! When you are done, count the number correct and see how you compare to others.

OK, here we go......

  1. Is there a 4th of July in England?
    Yes or no?
  2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
  3. Some months have 31 days.
    How many have 28?
  4. How many outs are there in an inning?
  5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
  6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10.
    What do you get?
  7. There are 3 apples and you take two away.
    How many apples are you left with?
  8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour.
    How long will the pills last?
  9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die.
    How many sheep are left?
  10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
  11. A butcher in the market is 5'-10" tall.
    What does he weigh?
  12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
  13. What was the President's name in 1960?
**** NO CHEATING ****

Check your answers

DOC'isms

A little list of "Doc-isms"

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
---or---
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

Luke and Jed

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

TIMMY STRIKES AGAIN

Remember Little Timmy? He's the foul-mouthed boy who lives down the block from Little Johnny. Anyway, Little Timmy was sitting in the back of the class the other day, squirming. He raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I have to piss." Flustered, the teacher said, "That is not the correct word to use, Timmy. The correct word is 'urinate.'" She told Timmy that he could go to the bathroom if he could correctly use the word "urinate" in a sentence when he returned. Little Timmy came back from his trip to the potty and sat down. "Can you use 'urinate' in a sentence, Timmy?" the teacher asked. "Yes," Timmy said. "Right now ur-in-ate, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten."

Subject: Private Golf Lessions

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no,no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

Deep Thoughts.... from 4 - 15 year olds

From an actual newspaper contest...

Where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate:

"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. ( Age 10 )


When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell he had. ( Age 5 )


I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. ( Age 11 )


I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake.As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. ( Age 13 )


I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. ( Age 14 )


I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? ( Age 15 )


Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" ( Age 15 )


It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. ( Age 8 )


As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. ( Age 7 )


Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. ( Age 10 )


Home is where the house is. ( Age 6 )


Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. ( Age 15 )


It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait.... That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. ( Age 5 )


Give me the strength to change the things I can,the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. ( Age 13 )


The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. ( Age 15 )


I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. ( Age 13 )


For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out too long. ( Age 6 )


Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! ( Age 6 )


The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe :"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" ( Age 15 )


Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,right? ( Age 15 )


I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. ( Age 15 )


I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia,and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. ( Age 15 )


If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. ( Age 15 )

Answers to the Moron Test:

So how do you think you did? Here are the answers....

  1. Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.
  2. One (1). You can only be born once.
  3. Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.
  4. Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.
  5. No. He must be dead if it is his widow!
  6. Seventy (70). 30 divided by 1/2 is 60.
  7. Two (2). You take two apple...therefore, YOU have TWO apples.
  8. One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an hour has passed.
  9. Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.
  10. None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark?
  11. Meat...that is self-explanatory.
  12. Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE...it's a dozen!
  13. Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.

So, how did you do?

13 correct....GENIUS....you are good!

10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE....but don't let it go to your head

7-9 correct....AVERAGE....but who wants to be average?

4-6 correct....SLOW....pay attention to the question

1-3 correct....IDIOT....what else can I say

0 correct....CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!!!!

Unfortunately, these are almost too true to be funny.