Jen & Dave's Gun Show

This was a background piece for a game called Underground. A superhero/Vietnam Vet/satirical game featuring heavily armed couch potatoes, fast food cannibalism, genetically boosted ex-soldiers, and lots of other weird stuff. It's out of print now, but I remember it fondly.

JEN: Hello and welcome to Jen and Dave's Toy Show! I'm Spinning Jenny, and this is Dave, or as some of you might know him, "Citizen Earthquake!"

DAVE: Hi.

JEN:As you know, we at Jen and Dave's Toy Show check out the best of the killin' iron- and most of the rest as well. You never know what you might have to pick up and shoot. Instead of checking out the wares of the major arms companies, we thought we'd go to a small custom shop right here in town, the Better Mousetrap. Here in our studio, we have the proprietor, Mickey Mousetrap. She's an ex- DHI OverOp with a real flair for our favorite sport- human hunting! Come on out- it's a green zone!

[applause]
DAVE: Yeah!

MICKEY: Ummm. . .thanks for having me on your show. Should I, ummm. . .

JEN: Why don't you tell us about that darlin' beast you have in your arms? Looks like it's got some real spunk! What is that, some kind of grenade launcher?

MICKEY: This is, uh, I call this the "Shorty 40." It's a carbine.

JEN: So that's a 40mm rifle! Wow!

MICKEY: I figured that, that the heavier weapons out there, they're designed for big guys, like you, Dave. And, uh, well. . .

JEN: Right! Why should the eight-footers have all the fun? How about the light-boosts like us?

MICKEY: This was inspired by a friend of mine, he did a lot of house-to-house, and he needed something that wouldn't stop on light cover.It's a pretty close-up weapon, but studies have shown that most weapons fire is in domestic disturbances, or where some sort of verbal exchange has taken place, so it's pretty close up. Your artistic thousand-yard shots aren't that common.That's why I could get away with the short barrel and recoil comp. Give it a try. I got standard and hot loads here- take your choice.

JEN:[BOOM] I'll be damned! [BOOM BOOM] That's a helluva gun! [BOOM] Especially with the hot loads! [BOOM BOOM BOOM]

DAVE: Uh, could I try?

JEN:[BOOM] I'm having a moment here. [BOOM] You get to play with 40mm's all the time. [BOOM] Look at that crater! [BOOM] Shame it doesn't [BOOM[ go full-auto! [BOOM] I always thought we should have a door there!

DAVE:Uh, downrange, huh Jen?

JEN: Oh, yeah, um, it's a nice piece of gat, Mickey.

MICKEY: Well, it doesn't go full-auto, as you mentioned, but there are some tradeoffs you have to make to get this shell-size to shooter ratio. Here, let me demonstrate a couple of things. [BOOM BOOM BOOM] As you can see when I use standard loads, the grouping is quite good. Can we have a closeup on that first steel plate?

JEN: Look at that! Three rounds and you can put your palm over them. At 100 yards. Pretty good for a street-sweeper.

MICKEY: Try doing that with a full-auto.

DAVE: Uh, can I see the gun?

MICKEY: Sure.

DAVE: As a heavier boost, I would have to ask about the design of the grip. With the size of my hands, well. . .

MICKEY: Well, we are a custom gun shop. Just bring in a tool with a handle you like and we'll fit it from that. Lemme just detach that trigger guard for now and we'll try it.

DAVE:[BOOM BOOM] Nice gun. Good feel. Kinda light.

JEN: Anyway, what else do you have in that golf bag?

MICKEY: This is another gun for the light-boosts out there.

JEN: This would be the Forked Lightning 10.75?

MICKEY: You've heard of it?

JEN: I got a friend who bought one. Calls it the "Golden Fork."

MICKEY: Well, what can I say? We're a small shop, we don't do a lot of quantity, and that kind of accuracy isn't cheap.

JEN: She's the kind of person who loves the rate of fire and hates the ammo costs. Now, for the studio audience, this is a full-auto, twin-barreled, 10.75 mm assault rifle with a double banana clip, with range and rate of fire to spare.

MICKEY: This will make most boosts sit down, and I bet even the cameraman can use it. Can he come out here?

JEN: Sure. Come out and play, Ozzy.

OZZY: Is it green?

JEN: Green.

OZZY: Ok. It's pretty hefty.

JEN: Just point downrange and squeeze. Muzzle climb will do the rest.

OZZY: [bratta bratta bratta] I think I'm getting the hang of this.

JEN: Now get back to that camera and show us how you did.

OZZY: I'm not a trained professional. . .

JEN: Still, look at that target. More lead in there than I'd like for lunch.

MICKEY: It crosses over at 400 yards. You can do some good shooting at range.

DAVE: Got anything heavier in there?

MICKEY: Well, I do have a 50mm prototype dual-purpose.

DAVE: Dual-purpose?

MICKEY: Look at the selecter switch. It can go electric bolt or auto.

DAVE: How [click] does the . . . [fwee]Oh. There's a little motor in there that runs the bolt-action. Could we get a close-up of this?

MICKEY: That's for faster aiming.

DAVE:[WHAMAMAM] And THAT would be the auto setting.

MICKEY: Tends to shake a lot on full-auto.

DAVE: I'll say! This makes the GCS 770 look like a baby's rattle!

JEN: That's really special. Any pistols?

DAVE: I'm not done yet! Got another clip? [WHAMAMAM WHAMAMAMAM] This is better than sex! I'll take one! I'll take three!

MICKEY: Come by work sometime, big boy, and we'll talk.

JEN: I SAID- Jesus Christ, how come you artillerymen aren't all deaf- got any pistols?

MICKEY: A couple. I feel that the Shorty 40 makes a perfectly good secondary weapon, but people do tend to like one-handing the bad guys. I personally carry a pair of Better Mousetrap 5-25 revolvers and a Hornet's Nest.

JEN: It says in your blurb, "She only carries custom weapons."

MICKEY: Well, some things you can't improve on and the Hornet's Nest is one of them. I mean, a big 66mm one-shot loaded with roofing nails, Glint of Cold Steel really outdid themselves with that one. I added the switchblade bayonet, and I've been poking around with quick-switching the munitions so you don't have to carry around a lot of excess handleware, but basically I didn't touch it.

I also got an autopistol I'm playing around with, but it's nothing special. I like the Hammer of God "Excommunicator", but I'm trying for something with a better rate of fire, maybe put it out in a couple different calibers, you know?

JEN: Couldn't you just take the HoG and jazz it up a little?

MICKEY: Tried that. You push the limits of the weapon like that and it jams sometimes. And I won't sell any weapon that'll do that to you. It's like those asses that handload rounds beyond the safety margins of the gun. Irresponsible. Disgusting.

JEN: And what's that last rifle you have over your shoulder there?

MICKEY: That's personal.

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